How To React In an Emergency

We were just sitting around the living room, staring into computer screens and absently eating from aluminum take-out boxes — in short: minding our own business — when the cat brushed his tail into a candle and promptly burst into flames.

“Jack’s on fire!” Jurvis shouted.

I sat on the couch, a forkful of drunken noodles frozen in front of my mouth, watching as our blazing kitty ran towards the windows. We’re always yelling at him when he jumps on the table, and he knows that the windows, with their long gauze curtains, are a proper sanctuary. He’s allowed in the windowsills.

Well, now the curtains are on fire, I thought. The flames are crawling upwards and licking the ceiling. The entire apartment is burning down, and you haven’t even registered it yet. What will you save? Laptop? Camera? Striped socks? What will it be like to lose everything? To escape tragedy? Will you need the emergency ladder, stashed under the bed? Do you even know exactly where that is?

“I got him,” Jurvis was saying, face smooshed against the windowsill with the cat smothered in his arms. Jack — never one to be tackled, patted down, or generally prohibited from movement — mewed plaintively in his grasp, and the entire room reeked of smoke and scorched fur.

“Oh,” I said. “Hey, uh, good.”

But part of me still thought I was standing outside right then, covered in charcoal smudges and gazing upwards.

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Thousands of Radiant, White Heads

Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration I present Exhibit A: “what we chant at the beginning of yoga class every week” (as translated from the Sanskrit), or, “further evidence of my growing insanity”:

I bow to the lotus feet of the guru
who awakens insight into the happiness of pure Being
who is the refuge, the jungle physician
who eliminates the delusion caused by
the poisonous herb of samsara (conditioned existence).

I prostrate before the sage Patanjali
who has thousands of radiant, white heads
(in his form as the divine serpent, Anala)
and who has, as far as his arms, assumed the form of a man
holding a conch shell (divine sound), a wheel (discus of light,
representing infinite time) and a sword (discrimination).
om

Yeah! Time to do some push-ups and warrior one! Wait, what did we just say?

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New Year’s Resolutions

As penned by myself, two hours to midnight and after three glasses of champagne:

1. Go to yoga at least twice a week!
2. Eat more fruit! Eat more vegetables! Make more smoothies!
3. Treat your Seasonal Affective Disorder with liberal doses of electric tanning beds!
4. Go camping in the springtime!
5. Floss.

What I neglected to remember at the time, of course, is that I never do the last thing on my lists. Bring it, 2008.

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How Our Shoes Turned Black

I somehow found myself squeezed into a bike shop in Providence around midnight, dolled up in black tights and a short grey skirt, hair twisted and pinned back with bobby pins. I was surrounded by the kind of people I might be today, had I made a few different choices a few years ago. Unshowered, with self-made haircuts. Bicycles piled outside, tattoos along their calves, food stamps in their pockets, recipes for vegan french toast. They all smiled and introduced themselves to people they didn’t know (myself) as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Five minutes earlier I’d debated just going to bed, slipping away somehow, unnoticed.

Ten minutes earlier I’d been in the backseat of a car with the windows rolled down, the icy December wind tearing through my little grey skirt and thin black tights.

Twenty minutes earlier I’d been sitting on the floor of a taqueria directly in front of five large speakers as some large bearded guy named Chip wailed on his guitar. Ever the square adopted friend in social situations, I wondered if it was rude to plug my ears if they began to bleed. The whole floor was vibrating with sound. Depending on the chord played, the sensation isolated in my calves, thighs, spine, or heart, which would stop beating for a few seconds to resume with a heavy thud. This struck me as kind of awesome.

And much, much earlier that day, we’d been at the bike shop, to, you know, look at bikes. We’d ridden a few around the block, the wind in our hair. I hadn’t been on a bicycle in years. It felt like driving a car for the first time: that same thrill of just growing up. Growing up has been mostly boring for the past few years: it’s made me miss high school, to be honest, just for the drama.

“That’s my stalker!” my pretty friend said. “The lead singer! Man, it’s weird to see him sing. I just know him as my stalker, you know?”

Oh, by the way, a band was playing. In the bike shop. At midnight. Presumably they had started much earlier, because they only played one more song before they disassembled and two DJs took over. My pretty friend disappeared into the crowd, and I was left surrounded by strangers.

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