How To React In an Emergency

We were just sitting around the living room, staring into computer screens and absently eating from aluminum take-out boxes — in short: minding our own business — when the cat brushed his tail into a candle and promptly burst into flames.

“Jack’s on fire!” Jurvis shouted.

I sat on the couch, a forkful of drunken noodles frozen in front of my mouth, watching as our blazing kitty ran towards the windows. We’re always yelling at him when he jumps on the table, and he knows that the windows, with their long gauze curtains, are a proper sanctuary. He’s allowed in the windowsills.

Well, now the curtains are on fire, I thought. The flames are crawling upwards and licking the ceiling. The entire apartment is burning down, and you haven’t even registered it yet. What will you save? Laptop? Camera? Striped socks? What will it be like to lose everything? To escape tragedy? Will you need the emergency ladder, stashed under the bed? Do you even know exactly where that is?

“I got him,” Jurvis was saying, face smooshed against the windowsill with the cat smothered in his arms. Jack — never one to be tackled, patted down, or generally prohibited from movement — mewed plaintively in his grasp, and the entire room reeked of smoke and scorched fur.

“Oh,” I said. “Hey, uh, good.”

But part of me still thought I was standing outside right then, covered in charcoal smudges and gazing upwards.

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The Basketball Court

It seems like any time I need to walk somewhere, I pass the same basketball court. I don’t even know what street it’s on: I just look to my right, and there it is again, always empty and pristine. It’s surrounded by a chain link fence and glows with dim, yellow light at night. You get the feeling that if you entered that place, you’d simply disappear.

The summer that I moved to this city, my boyfriend bought a basketball, and on especially sweltering days we’d walk to this basketball court and shoot some hoops. No one else was ever there, which was nice — but entering that court in July was like placing yourself under a magnifying glass. I could feel the sun burning my scalp, turning the part in my hair a bright, itchy red. My boyfriend tried to teach me how to dribble and pass and block or whatever it is you need to do when playing basketball, but eventually I’d just crawl to the curb in the shade and sit. I would watch him. I would wait for the nausea to pass, for the black splotches to recede from my vision, for the world to stop swirling. I have never, ever liked basketball.

I wanted to be the kind of girl who liked playing basketball. I wanted to be strong and lithe, abrupt and shimmering golden in the sunshine: I wanted to prove myself and the world wrong, suddenly emerging as everything I am not. But mostly what I remember, when I pass that basketball court, is the day I sat there on the curb, sadly watching him, and I thought “I do not love you, and you do not love me.”

That’s okay, I convinced myself. Lots of people do this. And we dated for nearly another year, like lots of people do.

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Thousands of Radiant, White Heads

Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration I present Exhibit A: “what we chant at the beginning of yoga class every week” (as translated from the Sanskrit), or, “further evidence of my growing insanity”:

I bow to the lotus feet of the guru
who awakens insight into the happiness of pure Being
who is the refuge, the jungle physician
who eliminates the delusion caused by
the poisonous herb of samsara (conditioned existence).

I prostrate before the sage Patanjali
who has thousands of radiant, white heads
(in his form as the divine serpent, Anala)
and who has, as far as his arms, assumed the form of a man
holding a conch shell (divine sound), a wheel (discus of light,
representing infinite time) and a sword (discrimination).
om

Yeah! Time to do some push-ups and warrior one! Wait, what did we just say?

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In Which I Am Not Arrested

The first time I got into trouble with the cops, I was wearing nothing but a damp towel and some sand. The sheriff’s jeep had come bumbling down the hill toward the lake, brights on, stupidly indignant. “You kids know it’s illegal to skinny dip in public? I could arrest you right now. Is that what you want?” He shone a flashlight in our eyes, looking for answers.

My dripping friends and I were speechless. There was something about my complete vulnerability at that moment, however, that also enraged me. I grasped that towel and glared. I . . . probably had rights, right? This guy couldn’t just push us around.

“And what makes you think we were skinny-dipping?”

He sighed, tired. It was late at night, probably long after curfew for kids our age. He could have easily gotten us on that. “Miss, please . . . are you trying to tell me you weren’t?”

Out of nowhere, a poker shark began to show its pointed fin in that lake. Do it, a voice said. He won’t call your bluff.

“Yes . . . yes, I am. We’ve done nothing wrong here. We were all wearing swimsuits.”

He looked me up and down.

“You’re wearing a swimsuit right now?”

If you’re going to go, go all out. I maintained eye contact and confirmed that yes, I was in fact wearing a swimsuit.

“So you’re trying to tell me,” he began, voice wary and weary, “that you are completely clothed under that towel?”

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New Year’s Resolutions

As penned by myself, two hours to midnight and after three glasses of champagne:

1. Go to yoga at least twice a week!
2. Eat more fruit! Eat more vegetables! Make more smoothies!
3. Treat your Seasonal Affective Disorder with liberal doses of electric tanning beds!
4. Go camping in the springtime!
5. Floss.

What I neglected to remember at the time, of course, is that I never do the last thing on my lists. Bring it, 2008.

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