Email to Dennis, Upon Our Return

Greetings from … well, I wish I could still say Costa Rica, but last night we returned, significantly browner and peelier than a week before.

As a result of that trip, I am now a little bit more fond of monkeys, a little less fond of cats — which were feral and whining about it everywhere — and much more fond of paved, straight roads, which were stomach-lurchingly absent in our area. Also, I want a pony. (Whenever we wanted to go somewhere, we drove on dirt roads through green hills dappled with white oxen, grey-spotted horses and unicorns, apparently. It was always sunset, and there were always mountains in the background. I began to harbor fantasies of owning a ranch. It would have an wooden gate painted bright orange, and every morning I would enjoy a breakfast of Cream of Wheat with black coffee.)

(Step one: stop hating Cream of Wheat.)

(Step two: stop hating coffee black.)

How’s springtime in Kansas City? It’s kind of nice to be back home in Boston, even if it is a bit chilly and forecasted to rain for the next week. I like to think that I attained a level of zen in Costa Rica, because when a car tried to plow through me this morning in the middle of a crosswalk with a walk signal, my inclination to give him the middle finger was almost cavalier, dispassionate, like a friendly tip o’ the hat to his douchebaggery.

Sometimes I worry that I’ll become too accustomed to this city.

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Something’s Fishy In The State of The Internet

This morning I woke up to discover that all my WordPress plugins had been deactivated. “That’s odd!” I thought. “Oh well, let’s not think about it.” I reactivated them and went along my merry way.

But, um, now, I notice that my pages are missing. You know. Like my “about” page. And my “archives” page, formerly linked at the top of this here index page. They’re not to be found at all, so I can’t just reactivate them. I may have to rebuild them from scratch.

And this is perfect timing, because in one hour I leave for Costa Rica, to be gone and internetless for one week. So if I’ve been haxx0red and you stumble in here one day to find something disagreeable to your workplace, color me sunburned. Backing this up now, and here’s hoping for next Wednesday.

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The Security Update

This is perhaps the cruelest security question I have ever set for myself. The question, in being asked, manifests its correct answer.

Security Question

Favorite teacher? Favorite pet? Mother’s maiden name? No other query has proven to be as steadfast in its ability to simultaneously log me into my bank account and ruin my day.

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You Were on the Porch

I rarely have problems sleeping any more, but when I do, my first tack is to stare dejectedly at the ceiling for a while. After I’ve examined the light fixture for the appropriate amount of time, I may flop from one side to the other like some apathetic, dying fish. Finally I’ll roll over and poke Jurvis repeatedly in the arm.

“Jurvis Jurvis Jurvis Jurvis,” I whisper, as if perhaps allowing him to remain in deep, wonderful slumber. “Tell me a story?”

There are actually two problems with this technique: one, if I actually fall asleep while he’s telling me a story, it means that I’m an asshole. Two, if neglect to fall asleep while he’s telling me a story, it means that we’re committing to stay awake for some time. One memory inspires another, so that one minute he’s telling me about eating sugar cane in St. Martinville with his dad and the next I’m recalling the Nut Goodie bars my sister and I would eat in the backseat of the Mazda after our family chopped down the Christmas tree and the next he’s recalling the stonewashed jeans of the 8th grade girl who sat next to him the first day he rode the school bus.

“Had enough stories?” he asked me last night as I abruptly pushed myself out of bed and headed to the door.

“Nope. Bathroom break.”

Jurvis’ memories go far back. Louisiana, for example. His family left Louisiana when he was four. This guy actually remembers wearing diapers. It blows my mind. Meanwhile — and this is beginning to bother me, what with all this recollectin’ going on around here — I have absolutely no memory of my parents being together. They divorced when I was about six.

It isn’t that I haven’t tried to remember these things.

“Oh, oh!” I nearly said, one oppressive summer evening, our legs dangling miserably off the mattress. “I remember my dad building the tree house!”

No, wait, I realized. That’s not a memory, that’s a home video you’ve seen. Must be, because you’re looking at yourself, and that’s not how memories work.

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How About My Lifeblood? Do You Accept Lifeblood?

I’m such a sucker. Each month nearly half of my paycheck goes to paying back college loans, and I resent those bills the most: dreaming of the kind of life I would assuredly be leading without that debt holding me down. Would I be traversing Thailand with nothing but a tattered backpack and a charmingly freckled face? Would I be learning new languages, how to ballroom dance, the preparation of delicious time-consuming recipes? Would I have more time to write? I’m sure those loans are the reason that I don’t write more often.

And yet whenever a wide-eyed Bard freshman, making minimum wage (plus free pizza), calls me and asks for a donation to my esteemed alma mater, whatever I can afford, I reply “. . . can I write you a check?”

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