How To Plan For The Next 14 Months

I have signed five Boston leases in my life, and each July I promise myself this September will be different.

We will start looking now. We will only sign for the perfect place. It will be a fun, well thought-out, reasonable process, with things like budget constraints, laundry access, kitchen size, bicycle storage and outdoor recreation figured into the equation. (Also, when we do move, we will be so on top of things! I’m talking crisp, new cardboard boxes, labeled on multiple sides! I’m talking trips to the Goodwill and considerate battery disposal!)

And somehow, every August is the same.

Riiiing! Ring Riiiinnnng!

“Hello?”

“[Current/future] [Roommate]! It’s Adrianne. I just [found the place I think we’re looking for] [got a call from our land(lord)(lady)]. Are we in for a year? They want [us to sign today] [-ed us to sign two months ago].”

“Jesus!”

“So, yeah. Should I forge your signature, or what?”

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Ca Va?

It was raining outside and we had both run under the awning of the dance studio for shelter when the strange man suddenly began speaking to me in French. It was an assuming, confident French — none of this “pardon, mais parlez-vous francais, parce que . . .” but a “hi there, how are ya”, as if he knew me at first sight, as if we shared some secret and that secret was French.

He must think I am someone else. He turned to the wrong brunette. But it is raining and the cement is a glassy beige, and as the cars go by they sound like the tide coming in, and all around us neon signs announce furniture deals and bodies glide by on flowered umbrellas, and we are standing under an awning like trees on the side of a river. I respond to him and for a moment I could be anyone, we could be anywhere.

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The Cameraman

1.) I had read the reviews online beforehand, so I thought I was prepared. The Cameraman would be located in a basement apartment, holed under the posh shops of Newbury Street. He did have hours of operation, but I should call in advance. There would be camera bodies scattered all over the floor, he would quote me one price and I would pay another, I’d be told to pick it up in a week by which he would mean months, maybe. The place would be filthy and unorganized. He would forget everything he ever said to me.

But: he was literally the only person left in Boston who repaired cameras any more.

It was either him or pay shipping.

And I am a woman of small means.

The metal-grated door was dark, and there was a hand-scrawled sign next to the doorbell. “PLEASE KNOCK.” On what? I wondered. I placed two fingers in between the grating and tapped dully. Could anyone have heard that?

The door swung open. I stepped inside.

2.) The first thing you will notice about The Cameraman is that he is afraid of you. Immediately after opening the door he backs away from you at such an extraordinary speed that by the time your eyes adjust to the darkness, he is behind the counter already, hands gripping glass.

“Hi,” you say. “I’m . . . Adrianne. We talked on the phone just about an hour ago, about my XSi, and the compression damages from a bicycle accident?”

He stands there frozen, with eyes darting back and forth.

“Perhaps,” you say, “I was talking to someone else,” even though you both know that is impossible.

3.) The next thing you will notice about The Cameraman is his glasses. They appear to be actually from the late ’40s or early ’50s; not some cutesy recreation, but well worn and heavy. Brown and thick at the top, with little silver decals at the edges.

You may be tempted to compliment him on them. I wouldn’t recommend it.

4.) The Cameraman will rarely if ever touch your camera. He seems to be afraid of getting too close to anything; instead he points, hovers, traces. His nails are trimmed to the pink; his hands are white and dry like day-old cake. He draws an outline in the air around your lens to explain the damage, then manifests a three-ring binder from behind the counter and flips open to a diagram of parts, tracing, always tracing just above the object, as if he were manipulating auras, perpetually playing some invisible theremin.

All of the pages in his binders are perfectly smooth. He wears a button-up shirt, neatly ironed and tightly fastened at the cuffs and neck. Over this he layers a starched navy lab coat. When he speaks, he enunciates each word carefully and repeats each sentence at least twice. “We will write this down. Compression damage. Remove lens. Do not repair lens.” Pause. “We will write this down. Compression damage.”

Arranged on the counter in front of you is a small display of dismantled digital cameras, tiny green and silver innards exposed, bright veins snaking in and out of black holes. A sign reads: “DO NOT TOUCH CAMERAS.”

Everything is placed at precise 45 degree angles.

5.) Behind The Cameraman is another doorless room, pitch black. Halfway through your visit a black and white spotted cat weasels out of it.

“When the repair is done, I will send you a card. This card,” he says, holding up a black and white printed postcard, reading THE CAMERAMAN. “When you receive this card, you may pick up your camera.”

“Okay,” you say. “And that will be a hundred and twenty dollars?”

“It will be one hundred and nineteen dollars and twenty cents.”

“Okay.”

“Cash only. Or, personal check.”

“No Visa. Got it.”

“Personal check is fine. Or cash.”

“Right. Great. Thanks.”

“Right. Great. Thanks. Goodbye Adrianne,” he says abruptly, placing his hands together at his chest. He backs away from you, heel-toe heel-toe the entire way, disappearing into the pitch black room with the black and white spotted cat.

” . . . goodbye,” you say. You resist the urge to run, and instead walk very, very quickly to the door, back into the light, the bright and bustling of money on Newbury Street.

6.) Four days later you get a postcard. It is black and white. It reads THE CAMERAMAN. Compression damage. Remove lens. Do not repair lens.

Your repair is ready.

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Calling Mister Yuk

The tricky thing about it was, I felt completely fine — until I left the bathroom. I had been scrubbing the shower for maybe half an hour, going into the grout with Soft Scrub and then bleach, letting it sit while I wiped down the sink and toilet, then scrubbing again. The cats had tried to jump into the tub, so I’d closed the door to lock them out. Everything was becoming sparkling and white. The air smelled like lemon zest and chlorine. I had bright rubber gloves on my hands, the sunlight streamed in, I was unstoppable. “Never use straight bleach,” the bottle read. “Always dilute.” Pssht, I thought, you don’t know my problems, and poured the bottle over the rim of the tub. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

I don’t remember what I needed outside of the bathroom. Paper towels, Windex? I forgot as soon as I opened the door; it was like being hit by a truck.

There was something about the air.

It smelled like burning . . . something. Wood? It felt thick and prickly, it stabbed into my lungs and eyes and sinuses. “What is happening?” I wondered, stumbling around my apartment. My limbs felt disconnected, rubbery. I flung open a window and inhaled deeply — oh no, it was much worse outside! Something must be on fire, something toxic, I just needed to know where it was coming from so I could go the other way.

But outside, birds were chirping. A couple strolled casually beneath my window, holding hands.

Maybe it was my living room. I ran into the bedroom, same thing. Kitchen, burning, burning, hallway, study — I flung open the door to the bathroom and stepped inside.

Lemon zest and chlorine. Sweet relief. I took a deep breath. Is something . . . wrong with me? It’s . . . crazy out there. Maybe I’m about to get a bloody nose. Why can’t . . . why can’t I think? Is something wrong . . . with me?

Inside the tub, a white-foamed blue pool slowly eked down the drain.

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On Seeing and Believing

I was walking in a strange neighborhood the other night, trying to find my way back to the subway, when I decided that the restaurant five doors down was stupid. They had two neon green signs, placed right on top of each other: the text wasn’t even readable. “Who designed that one,” I wondered.

I stopped then, staring at those signs. It occurred to me that there was, in fact, only one, perfectly legible sign. I just couldn’t detect it. No amount of blinking or eye rubbing could reconcile perception with the more likely reality.

This blew my mind. I wanted to stop strangers on the street, it seemed goddamn near miraculous. “You see that sign? I see two of them! Isn’t that the craziest thing you’ve ever heard? . . . No? Do you think that maybe, in some alternate universe, there are actually two signs? Because that’s kind of what I think.”

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