Breaking up with someone throws your entire apology meter off. You’re perpetually sorry. You’re perpetually waiting to hear he’s sorry. And as the two of you grow apart, communicating less by the month, you begin storing your sorrys, like some sad camel, only to find them spilling over and out of your mouth at unexpected [...]
Four months ago I thought I’d rent a car and disappear into the night: pack my things and drug the cat and drive halfway across the country to my home city, where I belonged. There’d be no need to tell anyone, I thought, retarded with the novelty of grief. Not my friends. Not my recently-exed. [...]
It’s never how you think it’s going to be.
The night before I left I
entered an elevator.
I.
Flying upwards into space or
pitching downwards, it’s all the same
Midway each dream the doors open:
Everything stops.
Suddenly the decision must be made: do I get out? Step freely
into nothingness?
Or remain, blind to the rushing air
the elevator / my protector
and casket?
I know, right.
The subconscious is sophomoric
in its metaphor.
II.
Before I left [...]
Last night I dreamt I was throwing a large dinner party. Everyone was there: casseroles and warm bread piled upon the table, dishes clattered, the apartment was a mess. Suddenly I realized I didn’t live here any more with you, and had no right to all of this; furthermore, all you wanted right now was [...]