The Anxious Person’s Guide to First Dates

1.) Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays. These are the ideal evenings for a first date. Thursdays may also be permitted if we’ve been eyeballing each other longingly for years and are essentially already in love with each other.

Fridays and Saturdays, however, are completely unacceptable choices. No one can live up to that expectation on a first date; why even try? I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be dancing.

And on the seventh day we rest. (I need groceries.)

2.) Sweatshirts. I will wear a sweatshirt on my first date with you. Don’t get me wrong: it’ll be clean, I’ll smell nice, I’ll pair it with some tiny pants and tall boots. It’s not even that I don’t mostly own fancier clothing. I could really bust out the big guns and pair a blouse with some pearl earrings and I could sit across from you at the candlelit dinner table all glowingly and hyperventilate all night!

But let’s be clear on this right away: I hate static, cold, and itchiness. Nice outfits are for job interviews; performances; Friday/Saturday nights. I own and often wear sweatshirts.

3.) Make-up. Man, I used to feel really unattractive without make-up. But now I don’t! Isn’t that great?

4.) Eating. I have never understood why first dates so often involve dinner. For one, it’s expensive, and if we’re dating you’re probably poor too. For another, eating is intimate. And not like . . . fun-intimate. It’s weird-intimate. There are all these squelchy and crunch sounds, and sometimes slurping is required. Slurping, for Christ’s sake! Sometimes said slurping splashes stuff. If there’s bread beforehand it’s all up in your chapstick and the crumbs make little dandruffy piles on your lap. Personally, I have poor motor skills and tend to miss my mouth if I’m not concentrating.

So, I propose we do anything but eat together on our first date.

5.) F-bombs. This is something I can do very little about. I will curse like a motherfucker on our first date, especially if we’re around your friends.

This hot chocolate is fucking delicious! Man I love this fucking weather, it’s abso-fucking ridiculous, let’s build the fuck out of a snowman, what do you say? (Cue: fuck yes!)

You may also like


  1. Brian and I went running on our first date. It solved the clothing, eating & makeup dilemmas all at once! And there was heavy breathing, which I say is a good sign on a first date.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *