How I Became An Asshole: Selected Diary Entries

May 16, 1993

Dear Jornal,

Today is Tuesday, and guess what’s going to happen? I’m going to the dentist to get teeth pulled. Four teeth normally but I lost one of them that was supposed to be pulled! Ha, ha! But I still have three more to go. Thank goodness it’s only baby teeth. Another good thing is that another one that is to be pulled is loose. Well it’s 9:50. I’m at my dad’s right now and I have spent the night . . . WITHOUT PAIGE! Anyway, I leave for the dentist at 10:00. I’ll write back when I return!

Yours truley,
Annie M

* * *

Dear Jornal,

About the dentist again! We made it into two trips for getting teeth pulled. Why? Good question.

WARNING do not read if getting teeth pulled again. (Until it says safe!)

O.K. now I’m serious. Don’t read if getting teeth pulled.

O.K. here it is.

It is murder!

SAFE.

Hi again, well I just got out of cleaning up dishes because I’m here in the playhouse! No one knows I’m here!

Annie

p.s. YES!

* * *

June 12, 1993

Dear Jornal,

I have 3 4 exciting things to tell you. 1. We got a new kitten at mom’s house a week ago and named him Copper, because of his eyes. He is about a month old now. VERY CUTE. But . . . he has ear mites. 2. Me and Paige are going up to grandma’s and grandpa’s for an entire THREE AND A HALF DAYS! 3. School ended June 11, and that’s why we are able to go to grandma and grandpa’s for THREE AND A HALF DAYS, and we get a week with dad because . . . 4. Dad and Jan are getting hitched! (married) so we get a week with dad and next week they get married! Then Fathers Day!

One more thing. Jan’s dog Loki got put to sleep. Noooooooooooooo!

(Because of his cancer.)

Your truley,
Annie

* * *

January 22, 1994

Dear Jornal,

There is lots of knews since I wrote in you last. Number one, it’s been the new year now (as you might have already guessed, seeing 1994 on the top!) and we were at mom’s house. We went to a friend of ours named Tom. Tom is sick. He’s got that disease where you lose all your muscles. We cooked for him and he let us take rides in the wheelchairs. It was fun. He luckily has two.

Number two, they cancelled school Tuesday because it was so cold. Today though, the snow is melting.

Number THREE, at dad’s house we got a new puppy. It’s a girl and her name is Bosco. She was named after chocolate. She’s peed on the pink carpet a couple of times.

Number 4, I’ll have to tell you later. Dad wants me to study my homework.

Yours,
Annie

* * *

Dear Jornal,

There is no date because it is the same day. Here is number 4 from my last entry. Cliff, Jan’s dad I’m afraid to say died a couple days ago. We didn’t see him in the coffin but we saw his coffin right before it was lowered into the earth. The priest said that prayer, are father, who art in heaven, and he used 3 roses naming them after love and stuff like that. Then we went into the same church dad and Jan were married in. Paige, Stephie, Scooter and I went all around the church exploring!

Yours,
Annie

* * *

January 24, 1994

Dear Jornal,

Today I found out something horrible. When I get braces I can’t have popcorn. I love popcorn! At least I can still eat blueberries.

* * *

February 20, 1994

Dear Jornal,

Today I’m pretending to be crippled by wearing a cast on my right hand/wrist and a cast-like thing on my left foot/ankle. So when you see 2-20-94 on the heading, I’m pretending to be a girl named Katie who is crippled.

Annie

* * *

Dear Jornal,

Exercises went well today. I am writing better with my casted hand all the time, don’t you think? It’s nice to have you around when I’m lonely. But I made a new friend today. She has no legs, but she’s friendly. Bye for now!

Yours,
Katie

* * *

March 6, 1994

Dear Journal,

I have found a perfect hiding spot for writing in you. It is behind the doggie kennel underneath the kitchen table. NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE CAN SEE ME! Not even the dog knows where I am.

Anyway, only 3 more years days until my 11th birthday. At mom’s house I’ll have a costume party.

Never mind, the dog just found me.

Yours,
Annie

* * *

October 19, 1995

Dear Journal,

I have a crush on someone. Now don’t laugh, because then you might not hear, and this is VERY rare. Some of my friends have a new crush every day, while I have had two (this is my second one) since 5th grade.

No, not all that cute. At least, that’s what I thought at first. But he is really nice, and I like the way he thinks. We both like a new show that just came out — Mad T.V. (I subscribe to Mad Magazine). He cracks funny jokes and never puts anyone down, and compliments people all the time. He is in my Accelerated Math class, my English class, gym, Geography, and lunch. Now his messed up hair is cute. His crooked smile is sweet. And even his usually dirty hands look . . . well . . . like him, which is cute. The good thing about this crush is that it doesn’t hurt.

Yours,
Annie M.

* * *

November 25, 1995

Dear Journal,

A few days ago it was Thanksgiving. We were with dad this time, and went to a family gathering at Bev’s house. Scott, (my step-uncle) brought 15 pounds of mashed potatoes! I wonder what he’s going to do with all the leftovers. I think he’ll realize he went overboard.

There was turkey, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes (obviously), stuffing, corn stuff (I don’t know what it’s called), orange jell-o with cool-whip on top and pumpkin pie.

Remember when I told you about that “crush”? It ended rather abruptly when I saw how he acted in class. B-O-R-I-N-G! Stupid jokes, tries to be cool when he isn’t.

Yours,
Annie M

1996 note: I was lying. Trying to escape my feelings. STILL CUTE.

* * *

May 31, 1997

Dear Journal,

I went to the last dance with all of my friends yesterday (except Leann – she works at McDonald’s and couldn’t get the time off).

It was a blast! The DJs were horrid, and there were sevies, but out of the approximately twelve songs the DJs played, my friends and I danced to seven of them: the other five were either love songs (“I believe I can fly . . . I believe I can touch the sky” what kind of song is that?) or they were the limbo. I am not good at the limbo.

P had no one to dance with. He still likes S, but she didn’t show. I wanted him to ask me to dance, I’ll admit that. He didn’t, of course. He did watch me though, for about a minute. You know that feeling that someone’s watching you? I felt it, turned around, and met his steady gaze, but we both looked quickly away. Yes, P, I think you used to like me. But I was only a spark of interest; S was a fire.

But let me get off that topic; I had fun at the dance, and that’s all that matters. My heart remained where it was, and didn’t implode or break into small pieces. I even discoed.

Oh ho
please don’t talk about love tonight
please don’t talk about sweeet loove
please don’t talk about bein’ true
and all the trouble
we’ve been through
oh please don’t talk about
all of the plans that we had
for fixin’ this broken romance
I want to go where the people dance, I want some
ACTION: I want to LIIIIVE!

– That “I love the night-life” song

Yes. Well.

Anyway, M cried again because T wouldn’t ask her to dance. “GET OVER IT!” I wanted to shout. “THIS IS A DANCE! WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT A DANCE? COME ON, LET’S DANCE!”

Sheesh. Do you think you’ll feel better when he sees you cry?

Adrianne

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2 Comments

  1. This was really cool to read. I wish I had written journal entries when I was a kid and that I still had them. I think it would be an insightful look into the past. I guess that’s what 7 years of livejournal entries is, but I was already an asshole.

  2. Excited to hang out without me?!?! Pshhhhh! Biiiiiaaaaach. You miss me now, Ms. Moving-Back-To-Minneapolis!

    ;-)

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