I am apparently entering a time of my life when I have anxiety issues again. I’ve decided, this time, to just write about it. It’s happened enough — and passed enough — that I feel simultaneously detached from the situation as it happens; I can both observe and experience it. And maybe someone else will read these things and relate, and we’ll all feel less crazy in our united craziness.
When I was in college, a animal rights group showed a film teaching us about factory farming and where fur comes from. There was a clip in this film of a mink with its leg caught in a trap; it’s snarling at the camera and flinging dry spit, its body wrangling fiercely in all directions.
This is not how it is constantly, although it could be if one let it. It comes in unexpected bolts, like lightening through the window. Kazzam. One half second and I am writhing in the trap — my heart is racing, the blood drains from my head, I’m dying, I need to get out get out get out! — take a slow, deep breath, and it fades. One minute later, or thirty seconds, or three hours, it may strike again. You take it one bolt at a time.
I’ve also decided, this time around for however long it lasts, to have mantras. Tonight’s is “I am alive, I am good.”
Two simple concepts, that don’t look nearly as comforting typed here, as they feel when you really focus on believing them.
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I use “May I meet this moment fully, may I meet it as a friend.” Sometimes I follow that up with, “May I feel safe and protected. May I feel contented and pleased. May my physical body support me with strength. May my life unfold smoothly, with ease.” Rinse and repeat, a lot. I sort of close my eyes and repeat these over and over and over again on my commuter rail trip in to school every day. I like to call it meditation, but sometimes it’s just what I need to get me into work when I don’t want to go.
I’ve tried “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay” but that doesn’t always help, I think because the cadence kind of mimics the actual feeling of anxiety.
(I’ve been reading your blog for maybe two weeks and have felt too much like a stranger passing by to leave a comment, and might slink back into the ether after hitting submit, but thanks for writing about this. I’m re-entering a trapped mink period of my life too, and finally doing something about it this time, so this feels like a weirdly stumbled-on gift.)