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1.) You have always considered yourself a flats kind of girl, for a multitude of reasons both form and functional. You walk everywhere, for one. Uninjured feet are essential. You’re completely satisfied with your height, for another — and secretly feel pretty pleased with yourself when someone looks up to ask “are you wearing heels?”, and you can respond “no.” Ha, ha.

But flats don’t really go with burlesque, and your wee black dancing shoes don’t really fit with the image of Glinda you need to pull of this Saturday, so — whatever, economy! — you go shoe shopping.

Vegas, here I come! (Larger and even more absurd.)

2.) You tell the shoe salesman (5’2″) that you have literally never worn heels that measure more than a couple centimeters, and you have no idea how to stand up, let alone walk, let alone dance. You stagger to the store mirror like an invalid.

“Just vacuum in them!” he tells you. “Wear them while you’re dusting, cleaning your apartment, that kind of thing. You’ll learn, no problem.” He grins.

You think he’s maybe being a sexist jerk, but the next day you try it out, and he’s totally right. It’s something about the small steps, the weight shifting back and forth, the third leg support of the vacuum. It’s like housework was invented for new shoes!

The only problem really, is that you feel like maybe you’re compromising some essential values. You’re still cool, right? Vacuuming in heels and shit?

3. Also: oh my goodness. Look at your legs. Look at your butt. Heels are amazing! “Ooo!” your boyfriend says. Then, “are you my height when you wear those?”